By Yadira V. Calderon and S.A.
I was too innocent or dumb to realize what happens on TV and the theater does not always happen in real life.
Disney, Hollywood and social media have distorted my perception of real life.
The princess marrying the prince after he rescues her and living happily ever after is not true for many.
I’ve shared my thoughts with a friend and we stress the fact that highlighting the delusion of living a Disney life is VERY different from the perceptions of what represents a good stable marriage. Yes, what many consider the obvious… that world of smiles, comprehension, agreement, dreams being fulfilled, knowing that it takes a lot of work, full support at all times and commitment.
We both agreed, those who do not have a good understanding of the commitment of marriage – with all its possible definitions – may resort to the fairy tale world presented by Disney, Hollywood movies and social media. And we have seen how resilience is not sought and their lives are full of stress, they are in debt and they are never happy with the simple things life can offer.
On the other hand after living in 6 countries and traveling to another 27, I met many couples who live the ups and downs of marriage, parenting, never ending love, commitment, responsibility, full support.
I always asked:
“How do you do it?”
“We made the decision to be together. To be there for each other. No matter what.”
I told them: “My respect. Keep us inspired. Your story is just like most Disney movies, but real.”
I am relieved I experienced this marvel. I consider this a feat and it should be admired and respected. I got an introduction to the basic tools that may be needed to have a successful marriage.
I could not say anything else. I did not grow up with a mom and a dad raising us. I did not grow up witnessing a husband and a wife making it happen, being at ease with each other, even in the midst of an argument.
Yes, I had discovered that stable couples also have arguments. They have the maturity to confront the situation. Handle the differences. Respect each other’s opinion. Just get along.
And I did not have the opportunity to experience this…
Now… let’s move forward. Let’s add key elements to the princess and prince story…
It’s time to spice this up!!
We all know a couple has strengths and weaknesses.
The problem is… both insist on not accepting the good and the bad of the relationship. For many reasons, their weaknesses become the priority in what is supposed to be a partnership. They keep comparing their life to the Disney movies. Plus, now they have children.
The water in the pot begins to boil because unlike the Disney or Hollywood movies, their children have special needs.
And they quickly discover…
Their children are not accepted by the majority of the population.
Their children are not integrated in schools.
Their children are not considered worthy of an education.
Their children are bullied.
Their children add stress to the marriage.
Their children are not cared for by both parents.
One or both parents do not accept the children with special needs.
One of the parents becomes abusive towards the partner or the children.
One of the parents wants to keep living the single life.
One of the parents rejects the commitment and responsibility.
One of the parents ignores the needs of the family.
One of the parents seeks sex, comfort and care outside of the marriage.
One of the parents leaves.
One of the parents ignores whatever good examples of stable marriages he/she may have witnessed growing up and insists on living life like Disney, Hollywood or social media dictate.
In some families, the parents decide to stay together, live separate lives and present a “united” front for the children and society while experiencing horrendous moments – harmful for all.
What I’ve described above is happening in countless households raising children with special needs.
This is happening in all socio-economic groups. Money and race do not guarantee marriage stability.
Not even age can provide assurance that a couple will remain together.
No doubt, there are many families that have both mom and dad caring for and living life regardless of the challenges presented by the diagnosis. But in the world I live in, these are becoming less and less.
These are difficult times we live in.
These are times where common sense does not prevail.
I have not seen one single family succeeding in reuniting after going through therapy.
I do not have answers to this dilemma.
I read the scientific research and I find it unrealistic, not fitting the unwritten equation of what life is about in a household raising/caring for a child/teen/adult with severe autism, with behavior crisis, aggressive, wearing diapers (teen and adults), not being capable of handling social situations, sick, with organ failure, not having access to a variety of services that could provide some respite and worse, not having the financial resources to pay for respite.
And we all know, there aren’t enough organizations or funds that could actually support the high numbers of families needing help.
What to do?
Join me and break loose your dependence on Disney, Hollywood and social media.
Shatter their myth of marriage…
Demand shows and movies that will provide answers…
Shows that will make you say…
“Wow, that’s exactly how I’ve lived it. It’s been tough. I’m surviving. Others have it easier or tougher than I do.”
How can you help?
Let’s keep the dialogue open.
Let’s support each other.
Help us create TV or movies that are relatable, realistic, at times crude, not distorted…
I had many questions and I organized a parent panel –
Special Needs and Marriage (a parent perspective)
Read the useful posts in the link above.
Art by Thomais Moshopoulos – Weddings of Love – 2018
My daughter is living the consequences of our family separating six years ago. It has not been easy.
She can now express how she feels about it. Her art always tells me what she wants and how damaging Disney and Hollywood can be — it is not always like this!! But, I remain calm.
I explain to her the basics of relationships. She’s 10 after all and she has tons to learn. I believe in keeping her safe, loved and exposed to a variety of experiences that will in the future help her make wise decisions.
I’ll keep trying.